officially cracked

ok so all this pressure has actually gotten to me. i have officially cracked under pressure.

i was studying before (i no its amazing) and i couldnt concentrate and i just got soo frustrated with myself because i couldnt do any of it! and then when mum tryed to talk to me about it i cryed! i mean come on! theres no need to cry! but i did because i know im going to fail and im just so stressed about it all.

i cant do anymore studying or i will actually go insane, iv forgotten all the important stuff i need to know and im going to fail!

so its official.
Holly Harrex has failed her exams!

to much...

so much is happening and changing these days, im getting all caught up and stressed about it all.
theres friends im worried about, friends i need to talk to, a boyfriend, family and exams to fit in all at once! i need to decide my priorities but everything seems so important that its taking all mt energy just to think about it all.

i need i break, i just want it all to slow down or even stop just for a day so i can have some time to get myself sorted before i sort everything else.

theres always more information to learn, new things happening and new things im finding out that just complicate life even more and i feel like im going to explode. i cant handle this pressure.

i want to be there for my friends, to be someone they feel like they can talk to. i dont want to let them down.
so please know that you can come to me :) i always put friends first.

well i guess this is just the normal life of a teenager, i will adjust to it eventually but at the moment i will have to survive. and hopefully it doesnt become to much for me to handle.

just something

i felt the need to blog but i didnt reli no what to write but iv come up with a few things that dont really relate to each other so im just going to write :)

...dont let others rule your life, tell you what to do or change you into someone your not. i see this happening in most of my friends, they are all to worried about what others think that they change just to be accepted when really there is nothing wrong with who they are :).
or theres the people that act one way in front of one group of people but then a different way in front of others, they need to just be themselves and stop trying to please people, if you cant be yourself around your friends then think 'are they really your friends?'...

...dont be afraid to state your opinion, its your opinion and no-one can judge you for it. if you have something to say just say it! lol sometimes its good to write something about a friend if its a concern etc because then it can break the ice for talking about it to your friend because it will let them no that you have concerns. so dont be afraid :) just write...

...i no iv gone on about not fitting into groups at school etc but iv now realised that you can never fully fit in, there will always be atleast one person that your friends are friends with that you can never feel fully accepted by. so at the moment i think im quite happy with were i stand with my friends and feeling accepted. i will always want to be accepted by more people but the reality is that it will never happen so im happy with my social situation at the moment for once :)...



well thats my thoughts for the day :)
i suppose they kinda did relate to each other.



xoxo

life mottos

"When life gives you a hundred reasons to cry show life a thousand reasons to smile"

im guna try live by this one and at the moment it seems pretty easy because there is so much in my life to smile about. but then theres the days that just make you want to cry which is going to make living by this harder but with the help of friends etc i think i can do it :)

i just want to live a non depressing life because im sick of this sad depressing one where one day your happy and the next you dont want to live any longer.

so im determined to make this non depressing life work :) and just maybe it might rub off on others :) (if i dream hard enough)

"i dont regret the things iv done, i regret the things i didnt do when i had the chance"

i know that in a few of my last emails i go on about regrets etc but im over that now, i now realise that all these things have just made me stronger so that now i can not make the same mistakes again :)

iv learnt that before i label something as a regret i need to talk about it with someone first so then i dont get all down about it for no reason because most of the time my 'regrets' are really nothing and they are just life lessons that everyone goes through.

so the things i have done are not a problem its the things i havent done that i need to work on so i plan to do that and hopefully i succeed because i dont want to be worrying about nothing anymore :)

!

i dont no what to think or feel anymore!
im confused about how i should be feeling right now?
my emotions and feelings are just all twisted and confused and i dont no what to do about this situation im in.

i need help, someone to talk to or maybe i just need confidence in myself?

i just dont no if what im doing is right?

Dear friends...

...iv known you for what 11 years now? lol and you have always been the loud one who never ran out of things to say and i love that about you :)

but i can tell by your writing that theres stuff going on inside that your hiding and not talking about and i no I'm not the best person to be giving this advice but it always helps to talk :)

your a good friend to many people and i know people come to you for help so don't let there problems drag you down as well ok?

p.s I'm always here to listen :)...

...I'm sorry i didn't realise i had drifted away but I'm back now! and i just want to say you an amazing friend! i don't no what i would do without you. your always there and i hope you no I'm always here for you to :)

as we found out today there is still alot of stuff we don't no about each other! and its killing me not knowing! so hurry up and tell me!! lol :)

i got to no you in year 8 and in the last 4 years or so iv gotten closer to you :) and i plan to stay close to you for years to come whether you like it or not! :)

p.s if he hurts MY amazing friend il kill him! ok?...

...were not as close now :( but were still friends so I'm happy :) your always the one with way to much energy! which is fantastic, i would love to have your energy!

sometimes i don't understand the things you do but i still love you :)

we have been friends for a few years now and had soo many good times and I'm sure there is plenty more to come :)

p.s we need to talk more :) i feel like I'm way behind in the goss lol...

...i haven't seen you in forever! its just not good enough.

we were like pretty much sisters when we were little :) it was great times, lots of memories that il have forever. your a fantastic friend who has heaps of energy and makes me laugh soo much! lol we don't see each other much but i always look forward to when we do :)

p.s we need to keep in touch more :)...

...so much for spending more time with me, i should have known it wasn't going to happen. we talked about it and said we would but i shouldn't have gotten my hopes up :(

i want to spend more time with you because i feel like I'm losing you and theres so much about you I'm missing out on.

p.s we need to have a big catch up!...

...your amazing! i don't no what i did to deserve you :) you just make my life so happy.

i have all these feelings for you that iv never felt before. and i cant wait to see what our future hold :) its going to be great.

i don't no what i would do without you right now because you are pretty much my life :)

p.s i love you!!...

...i don't like you being so far away that i cant talk or txt you! :(

but even though you are far away i still feel like iv grown closer to you through emails lol. i know now that i can tell you anything and you wont judge me for it :) and i thank you for that.

your a great friend and if it weren't for you i would probably still be stuck in that hole i dug myself.

i hope you no that you can tell me anything and il try my best to help just as you have done for me :)

p.s i miss you!...

...i still don't no where i stand with you? we don't talk or txt at all anymore :(

did i hurt you when i done it?

please can we talk! i hate being like this with you :( you were a good friend and i suppose it probably is my fault we have turned out like this so I'm determined to fix it :)

p.s please talk!...

so to all my friends in general, thanks for being such amazing, fantastic people!! I'm trying to return the favour :)

from your friend Holly ♥

xox

The comments

"you could do better"

i got that comment today and at first i thought nothing of it and just didn't worry about it.

but later on thinking about it i started to pick my thoughts apart, i started to worry about what other people thought, i started to think that looks counted.

for awhile you had me thinking these negative thoughts about my relationship and i started to believe them.

but luckily for me as soon as i saw him those thoughts disappeared and i didn't care what others thought or if he was 'hot' or not, all i cared about was that he is mine and I'm happy :)

why should i worry about other peoples opinions? why should what other people say change my thoughts?

they shouldn't!

i used to be a person that cared about what other people thought but now I'm living to please myself not others.

so I'm keeping my thoughts strong and no-one is going to make me believe 'i could do better' because i don't want 'better' I'm finally truly happy :)

and i plan to stay this way for as long as he will have me :)

xox

♥