2 memories

i have these 2 memories going round and round in my head. i want them to stop so that i can move on but whatever i do they keep coming back. so i thought maybe writing them down will help, then hopefully i can move on.

This memory with him.
The conversations we had, i miss them.
we used to talk about everything and you made me feel so complete in myself.
but now that's gone, your gone.
we don't acknowledge each other any more and we rarely talk.
I'm trying to move on from those days and forget but our conversations keep coming up in my head making it hard.


This memory with you.
that night was perfect in my mind, just the two of us.
i thought that finally we had got the confidence, but i was wrong.
it wasn't long after this night that it all ended, and now we struggle to find the words to say when we see each other.
this night keeps going over and over in my head, the confidence we had and just the good memory.
i don't want to forget this memory but just for now i would like it to stop replaying in my mind so that maybe i can move on.


so can i move on now? from both these memories?

looking in the mirror...

In my reflection...

I see many flaws iv ignored and never cared about all these years.
i never worried what i looked like, but now that's changing, i see more flaws than anything in my reflection, because in this day and age image is everything.

I see a girl with so many internal scars shes hiding inside and she just wants to forget them or at least stop thinking about them so often, because they hurt.

In my reflection i see these things and many more that make me want to stop looking in that mirror so i can ignore my flaws and my past that brings me down.

If only i could explain why.

why am i like this?

i thought i had gotten over it and i had cryed enough tears!

but they keep coming, any little thing starts a flood of tears, my emotions are so unstable and i just don't no why.

like today, me and dad argued about a little thing, it was nothing really but the water works started! i was so annoyed, i couldn't stop them! they just kept coming.

i cant explain how I'm feeling. its a mixture of to many emotions for me to handle obviously and i don't know how to fix it. i suppose it will fix itself in time, its just going to take longer than i thought.

♥

Life...

I started to think what is life? and what does it mean to me?
I found this poem…

What is life?
Life is not knowing exactly what it is you want.
Life is wanting to take it away but you can't because you cherish it too much.
Life is being confused.
Life is at times being angry and wanting to cry.
Life is crying for no reason and wondering why.
Life is finding love only to have it taken away.
Life is allowing your heart to go astray only for it to be broken within a single day
.
What is life to me?
right now I can't tell, its up today and down tomorrow.
sometimes there's smiles, sometimes there's tears.
my life is thinking iv got it only to find out that it was never there.
my life is stressful for reasons that don't need to be, these reasons I still cannot see.

What is life?
Can you tell me?

Just being me...

Look me in the eye, please don't walk away.

Be honest with me and say all the things you want to say, i can handle it.

Don’t lie to me, don't pretend to be interested in me.

The girl outside is so much stronger than the girl inside that can't hold on much longer.

The girl outside is just a cover up, inside I'm about to break.

I'm so weak inside but it'll never show.

I need to break apart from this image that I've made everyone see and I just need someone to believe that I can overcome these things that drag me down and make me want to cry.

I just want to be me and not worry about other things because I'm sick of crying myself to sleep each night over things and people that aren’t worth the tears.

drowning...

I'm sick of crying!
I'm drowning in my tears.

i just want out of this stupid life I'm living!
I'm over it!
all its doing is slowly tearing me apart and the point where i break is coming soon if this doesn't stop!



why do you bring him up every time i try to talk about 'us' ??
he has nothing to do with it!
can you please just forget what he thinks and how he acted when it happened and just tell me how you feel about it?
because that would reli help me.


is life going to get any better any time soon?
please say it will.


on a happier note I'm going out this weekend! yay for once i have a social life :) it shall be fun.


thank you for your support :) i really appreciate it. you have no idea how much you have helped.
thank you :)


xoxox
ily

happily ever after...?

i dreamed it was possible and i believed i was living my dream.

but of course it turned out to be just a stupid fairytale that would never come true :(

i love you but obviously that wasn't enough.

-i know we didn't talk much but we were happy weren't we?

well i suppose its happened and its over now so i guess il live and move on.

I'm sorry it didn't work , i tryed.

il always love you! (even if you don't want to hear it)

xoxo

i should have known.

i knew this wouldn't last...

-the happiness

-the feeling accepted for once in my life

i should have known my luck hadn't changed and i would always be the follower trying to fit in.

i know i cant blame you and I'm not but why did this have to happen and why did it have to affect me like this?

i had just found myself but now I'm lost again

i survived like this before so i can do it again i just hope I'm strong enough this time, because at the moment i feel like I'm going to crack and theres no-one that will help me get back together.

I'm over this, all of this.

i want out!